So, it’s a new year which means a chance of trying again to change ourselves into someone better. Every new year, I ask myself why do I need to wait for the year to change to set goals or even decide to launch a new image of myself (yay, commercial personality) when I can do it in any random day. Perhaps, change shouldn’t be random. And there’s something about the freshness of new calendars that inspire people to begin again.
As for 2014, my theme for the year is INVEST
INVEST FREE THINGS
As one of my cousins said “fall in love, it is one of the few free things that you can enjoy” to which I simply replied “Ewww”.
On a serious note, yes, I intend to invest more (positive) feelings this year. Not that I’m saying “Hey, I’ll fall in love this year” because falling in love shouldn’t be planned. What I’m trying to say here is I’m going to be more involved (w/ outpouring feelings) and connected to things (or even people) that matter.
They say we must take advantage of the free things and a lot of things on the internet are free! So I’ll commit to downloading and (pirating) more TV shows, movies, and e-books. I also enrolled to coursera.org and planning to finish at least 3 short courses by the end of the year.
And of course, there are also free things offline- like talking to people. I am terrible at talking to new people (or if I ever talk to new people at all) and my current world forces me to talk to a broad spectrum of people. Maybe I can start with pathetically preparing a list of possible topics for small talks.
2014, please make me beloved.
INVEST MORE EFFORT
at work. (yay. I hate using the word “work” because it is an adult word and I’m not ready for adulthood).
and effort to be nicer. Yes. I am nice- timidly nice though and it is not the kind of nice that I want to be. By now, I am well aware that there are adults who aren’t nice at all and I don’t want to grow old and be like them. And the best way to defeat them is to treat them nicely even though they don’t deserve it. (hashtag hugot)
DO NOT JUST SAVE, INVEST
I don’t wanna work for someone for the rest of my liiiiife, do you? While I still have the energy to earn money, might as well think about where I can invest it so it will grow exponentially. HAHA.
INVEST IN THINGS THAT I DON’T KNOW
No. I don’t mean blind investment in a business venture but to invest time to know things that are unknown to me. That sounded too profound for execution but it is as simple as reading a book on gardening. I plan to have a metaphorical boner for knowledge. As Gordy of The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian said “the world, even the smallest parts of it, is filled with things that you don’t know.”
I hate it when a paralyzing fear of failure prevents me from knowing things. So for this year, I will approach all possibility of learning even with threatening failure with a game face.
INVEST IN CREATIVITY
I think the word creativity is being monopolized by artists but it shouldn’t be the case. For this year, no matter how much I suck at writing or at taking photos, or at formulating and articulating my opinions, I won’t let it stop me from transforming my ideas to a hard copy.
Phew. I think this is a lot. But then I can always try again next year, right?Tags: #2014 #new year
This year, I felt like I’ve been— lesser but not necessarily lacking. Although I can’t say that I am complete because it is something that you say when you’re in love. 2013 was a year where I took lesser photos in comparison to my vain and younger self years ago, tweeted and posted lesser feelings because I wasn’t having enough feelings or not enough mental capacity to process feelings, made lesser online and human interactions, watched lesser TV Series, and read lesser books. Maybe this is maturity~. I always think about maturity as ignoring a lot of things or even people as you are so self-assured and actualized that nothing can bother you anymore. But of course, this is a thinking of an amateur adult.
I always love January that I wouldn’t have seconds thoughts on marrying someone who was named after this month. I celebrated my birthday with new people, had my first job which also meant first salary!!
But this is also my favorite Trish-Syd Wedding photo
This month is known for L.O.V.E which is true for my cousin Trish and her then-boyfriend Sydney who got married last February. I also started a tutoring job for the love of
MARCH to APRIL
I finally had the balls to take a photo with Oble without the fear of not being able to graduate. (Obviously, Oble’s balls have been perpetually present)
March and April were uneventful except for officially marching out from school which was also very anticlimactic. But at least, I have new people added to my circle.
We are the type of employees who pull out photoshoot during office hours.
I decided to leave my job because it was meant to be a temporary job while I am figuring out what I’ll do for the rest of my life. But I didn’t leave because I already figured out what to do, all I knew was that I wanted to get out from it so I left while I still want to. Maybe I was too flighty- I take off when it’s not so much fun anymore. Of course, I had fun too.
JUNE to JULY
I was out of the work force- I was salaryless but I was having a liiiiife~. I felt like I was in control of my time, in control of my life. No one can ever force me to do something just because they are paying me.
Top and bottom left: Poro Point, La Union. Top right: Subic, Zambales. Bottom right: 50’s Diner in Baguio.
My aunt from U.S came back home which meant month long family gathering. It was also my Daddylakay’s 80th birthday so again, FAMILEH PAAARTY. I don’t know whose idea it was to have a family reunion shirt but yeah, we have a family shirt.
Behind the scene of that pretentious nice family photo.
Feeling grown up and brave, I decided that I am old enough for the Space Shuttle. (ooops. wrong photo though)
In between family gatherings, I also went out with some friends~. See, having no work means a healthier social calendar!
AUGUST to OCTOBER
Here, the episodic WHY-AM-I-JOBLESS-AM-I-THAT-INCOMPETENT started. Went to job interviews and received tons of rejection letters yet I kept on sending my precious resume (because I had no other choice but to go on). It kills me to think that some of my friends are earning and growing corporately yet I was rotting in bed all day wasting my could-have-been-paid time.
Phew. Then came November and employment!!! I don’t wanna bore you with timid newbie stories.
First travel for work!! I was the youngest so.. it was a little bit awkward mainly because I don’t know how to initiate small talks; how much more a conversation? Fortunately, Facebook is for all ages.
Yay because it was an all- expense-paid trip to a beautiful property but nay because no one will take photos of me.
And of course, Christmas.
Nonetheless, I would say that 2013 was a good year (because people like to look at the past with good memories). And I look forward to an aweeesome 2014 (because people should look at the future with positivity)
I’ve been out of tumblr for almost two months but not really cutoff from the consumption of the internet. I don’t even know if it is still possible to completely abandon the internet now or to possibly want to abandon it.
It is embarrassing how long since I’ve updated this page that is why it’s been hard for me to go back here and say things about anything (most likely about ~my life). I think the downside of having a page dedicated to your own personal experiences is the fact that there are things in life that are better consumed privately or when your life becomes so mundane and mechanical, it’s hard to even put it in words.
But I’ll try to continue to document some of my life (or a living life) here because it’s nice to read back and to have something that will help me remember feelings.
said Bianca from Karma Chameleon of Greetings from Wonderfalls.
Bianca said that we, Gen Y are non-winners by choice. Maybe because it is always easier to wait for something, to believe that whatever’s NOT YET will eventually actualize in the long run of waiting whether we do something more than waiting or not- because waiting is already considered as doing something anyway. Or that we are a generation that celebrates rebels, nonconformists, and hippies; we tend to ignore the usual paths to success because we are different, special, superior or something. And the greatest rebellion that we could perform is to waste our potentials and make it look like it is part of THE plan. Failure isn’t failure if you planned for it, right? Gen Y, Why? or let’s use Freddie Aguilar’s “Anak Ba’t Ka Nagkaganyan?”
According to Wait But Why, we are expected to grow not just a green lawn but a green lawn with flowers. This could probably the explanation why Mike Schwartz of The Art of Fielding has frustrations.
But that was precisely the problem: he was Mike Schwartz. Everyone expected him to succeed no matter what the arena is, and so failure even temporary, had ceased to be an option.
After graduation, we become our own Mike Schwartz. We try to calculate each possible step, we try to create a mental map of each possible route to our impending success, we try to be safe. We spend so much time doing the analysis that we end up paralyzed in the same old station leaving us in a state of coma until it’s too late to wake up. All because we want to be infallible.
So before that, this is how I plan to get there- to get out from this analysis paralysis. Identify where I’m at, determine where I’m not….yet then start driving anywhere to get somewhere. RP’s economic success can be attained by Noynoy’s Tuwid na Daan but our’s isn’t. Let’s just say, we are capable of being more complicated than RP’s situation.
We are all non-winners. Graduating isn’t winning YET, it only takes us to a bloody, hope draining, full of doubts arena. And in an arena, we are expected to be punched, kicked, wrestled, or whatever but we are also supposed to fight back. We don’t win by default because if we do, it is not YET winning.
He held my hand.
And it’s NOTHING. Really. I’m putting much meaning to it because that was the first time someone actually grabbed my hand~ intentionally. I wouldn’t be this bothered if someone other than him did it. Maybe I like him, maybe I’m just attracted because he’s just one of my few guy friends. I mean, we’re not even friends! just a guy close enough for me to talk to. Or maybe because he cares about my opinion and sometimes exerts effort to let me know what he thinks about it. Or maybe because he listens to my stupid suggestions. I don’t know, I feel like I have to rationalize it so I can explain it to myself and everything will be logical therefore, it must not be something close to love.
Even if I close my eyes, I can see him in my eyelids.
I hate myself.
How I stuttered when he’s talking to me, how I always wanted to get away whenever I know that we’ll be left two alone, how I avoided more than the small talks, how I displayed my lack of knowledge about geography or science or history or even lack of wit to maintain a “profound” conversation. How I repeated his words as a reaction to his bizarre observations. How I felt so stupid. How boring I was. How ordinary and sheltered I appeared. How my shoulders automatically stiffened when he eloped my shoulders by his arm. How much I concentrated to make my facial reactions inconspicuous, any slight change of facial lining would mean it was something. And then he grabbed my hand, It felt like thousand volts was charged to my body, making my heart bloat and my brain contract. I can’t breathe, I can’t move. I could have let go, I could have gotten my hand back before he lets go but I didn’t want him to think it startled me, I didn’t want him to think there’s something wrong.
I just want to do something that will keep me away from bed- from thinking about my life and how it is turning into…well, nothing and from thinking in general (although I don’t really use my endless repertoire of free time thinking). Ironically, I am writing about life and thus, thinking about it and putting it here.
I haven’t been updating this page (I’m afraid this page can’t even be considered as blog) for the following reasons:
- I am sad to report that I’ve been SAD for the past months. And it is not a very clever idea to whine about it here for months. Plus, people should only share what’s happy online. I am not even sure what kind of sadness I am suffering from- maybe that kind of sadness that people sometimes use to be the center of everything. That “hey I am sad you should be more understanding about my unreasonable actions”. The kind of sadness that we use as an excuse to be sad or to get away from everything. Sometimes, we get sad about things and we don’t feel like telling people being sad about them because it might be used against us.
- I’ve been rusty and dusty. So maybe I am posting this sort-of-update-about-my-life-because-it’s-so-interesting-I-need-to-share-it-here to shake off some rust and dust building inside my head. I don’t know what to tell you though, or even how to tell you. Most of the days, I feel like witnessing the tragic death of my brain cells- like a dim bulb about to die. To tell you, I have little human interaction and if I’ll have, it is through a machine and it is frequently short-lived. So, how am I supposed to suck wisdom from people if I don’t get to interact with them. I need some other ways!!
- I’ve been catching different waves of virus for the past months. I had German measles, colds, cough, colds, cough, fever, and then fever again. See, I am malfunctioning and that’s not a good time to write something here.
- I also spent 3 weeks wallowing in self-pity because I got rejected in a job that I thought was for me. I put all my hopes and efforts in that one, prayed to God to give me that one every night. So when I got officially rejected, I had to take a break from everything. I went home because I needed a change of scenery, I needed my parents to tell me “It’s okay”. I hated it because I wasted a lot of time comforting myself for something that I didn’t even try so hard. Actually, this search is making me feel like I am not enough for anything.
I’ll continue to struggle for this because there’s no other way. I can not just let myself rot in bed and grow roots in it. And no matter how wasted I am, I shouldn’t let my potentials go to waste just because I am too weak to accept rejections.Tags: #life
What I like here is that I dont have to make sense. And I am jumping from thoughts to thoughts and its ok. This sentence might not be related to the previous one and it’s ok. Nobody will read this and its ok. Sometimes it’s a good thing to think that nobody cares so you can do whatever BECAUSE NOBODY CARES. This is so raw annnnnd I just wanna keep on telling it’s ok because it is. Because it is soothing and comforting- it doesn’t have to have a rational reason here and it’s ok. I dont have to be rational anyway. And it’s ok. It’s ok. It’s gonna be ok. More or less.
Or this is where I should tell myself: it is not ok anymore- so I can stop whatever this is and start doing something that will make it more than “it’s ok” perhaps, better or great.
In Macau, there is such a thing as free
I’ve been postponing publishing this entry for more than a month now because Macau is really really a beautiful country and to write a post about it is such a huge responsibility. My words may never be enough to describe the experience or a little ANTM episode memory may do- (Cycle 18, Episode 9) Gladly, there are photos to speak for me.
Macau is 60 to 75-minute travel through Ferry from Hong Kong. From Ferry station, you can already take free bus rides to different hotels and casinos.
Hong Kong–Zhuhai–Macau Bridge.
Setting foot on a Portuguese colony (yeah, it felt so European)
There’s always China in every country. Apparently, Macau is part of PRC). But imagine if we sum up all China towns in the world plus PRC, China occupies 3/4 of the world. So, Beyonce is wrong about one thing- Girls do not run the world.
This is one of those rare nights in which I thought I am (finally) going to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. And that finally, I’ll wake up in the morning without the burning question “what should I do?”.
So I closed my eyes, cemented my body into a peaceful posture thinking that If I’m going to put an inordinate amount of visceral focus I’ll be able to connect to my inner self or as they may say, listen to my inner voice, I can get some answers. Not even necessarily The Answer. But I didn’t, not yet or somehow this is where God said Wait. In which I thought of Will Graham befittingly saying:
So for now, let’s find comfort in W.C Fields reassuring us that the first is not always a success by saying “If at first you don’t succeed…” Or Will Grayson saying that there’s always an absolute chance of error in trial and error. That, it’s OK!!! it will be.
Or perhaps I always knew what I want given a controlled environment.