I’ve been out of tumblr for almost two months but not really cutoff from the consumption of the internet. I don’t even know if it is still possible to completely abandon the internet now or to possibly want to abandon it.
It is embarrassing how long since I’ve updated this page that is why it’s been hard for me to go back here and say things about anything (most likely about ~my life). I think the downside of having a page dedicated to your own personal experiences is the fact that there are things in life that are better consumed privately or when your life becomes so mundane and mechanical, it’s hard to even put it in words.
But I’ll try to continue to document some of my life (or a living life) here because it’s nice to read back and to have something that will help me remember feelings.
said Bianca from Karma Chameleon of Greetings from Wonderfalls.
Bianca said that we, Gen Y are non-winners by choice. Maybe because it is always easier to wait for something, to believe that whatever’s NOT YET will eventually actualize in the long run of waiting whether we do something more than waiting or not- because waiting is already considered as doing something anyway. Or that we are a generation that celebrates rebels, nonconformists, and hippies; we tend to ignore the usual paths to success because we are different, special, superior or something. And the greatest rebellion that we could perform is to waste our potentials and make it look like it is part of THE plan. Failure isn’t failure if you planned for it, right? Gen Y, Why? or let’s use Freddie Aguilar’s “Anak Ba’t Ka Nagkaganyan?”
According to Wait But Why, we are expected to grow not just a green lawn but a green lawn with flowers. This could probably the explanation why Mike Schwartz of The Art of Fielding has frustrations.
But that was precisely the problem: he was Mike Schwartz. Everyone expected him to succeed no matter what the arena is, and so failure even temporary, had ceased to be an option.
After graduation, we become our own Mike Schwartz. We try to calculate each possible step, we try to create a mental map of each possible route to our impending success, we try to be safe. We spend so much time doing the analysis that we end up paralyzed in the same old station leaving us in a state of coma until it’s too late to wake up. All because we want to be infallible.
So before that, this is how I plan to get there- to get out from this analysis paralysis. Identify where I’m at, determine where I’m not….yet then start driving anywhere to get somewhere. RP’s economic success can be attained by Noynoy’s Tuwid na Daan but our’s isn’t. Let’s just say, we are capable of being more complicated than RP’s situation.
We are all non-winners. Graduating isn’t winning YET, it only takes us to a bloody, hope draining, full of doubts arena. And in an arena, we are expected to be punched, kicked, wrestled, or whatever but we are also supposed to fight back. We don’t win by default because if we do, it is not YET winning.
He held my hand.
And it’s NOTHING. Really. I’m putting much meaning to it because that was the first time someone actually grabbed my hand~ intentionally. I wouldn’t be this bothered if someone other than him did it. Maybe I like him, maybe I’m just attracted because he’s just one of my few guy friends. I mean, we’re not even friends! just a guy close enough for me to talk to. Or maybe because he cares about my opinion and sometimes exerts effort to let me know what he thinks about it. Or maybe because he listens to my stupid suggestions. I don’t know, I feel like I have to rationalize it so I can explain it to myself and everything will be logical therefore, it must not be something close to love.
Even if I close my eyes, I can see him in my eyelids.
I hate myself.
How I stuttered when he’s talking to me, how I always wanted to get away whenever I know that we’ll be left two alone, how I avoided more than the small talks, how I displayed my lack of knowledge about geography or science or history or even lack of wit to maintain a “profound” conversation. How I repeated his words as a reaction to his bizarre observations. How I felt so stupid. How boring I was. How ordinary and sheltered I appeared. How my shoulders automatically stiffened when he eloped my shoulders by his arm. How much I concentrated to make my facial reactions inconspicuous, any slight change of facial lining would mean it was something. And then he grabbed my hand, It felt like thousand volts was charged to my body, making my heart bloat and my brain contract. I can’t breathe, I can’t move. I could have let go, I could have gotten my hand back before he lets go but I didn’t want him to think it startled me, I didn’t want him to think there’s something wrong.
I just want to do something that will keep me away from bed- from thinking about my life and how it is turning into…well, nothing and from thinking in general (although I don’t really use my endless repertoire of free time thinking). Ironically, I am writing about life and thus, thinking about it and putting it here.
I haven’t been updating this page (I’m afraid this page can’t even be considered as blog) for the following reasons:
- I am sad to report that I’ve been SAD for the past months. And it is not a very clever idea to whine about it here for months. Plus, people should only share what’s happy online. I am not even sure what kind of sadness I am suffering from- maybe that kind of sadness that people sometimes use to be the center of everything. That “hey I am sad you should be more understanding about my unreasonable actions”. The kind of sadness that we use as an excuse to be sad or to get away from everything. Sometimes, we get sad about things and we don’t feel like telling people being sad about them because it might be used against us.
- I’ve been rusty and dusty. So maybe I am posting this sort-of-update-about-my-life-because-it’s-so-interesting-I-need-to-share-it-here to shake off some rust and dust building inside my head. I don’t know what to tell you though, or even how to tell you. Most of the days, I feel like witnessing the tragic death of my brain cells- like a dim bulb about to die. To tell you, I have little human interaction and if I’ll have, it is through a machine and it is frequently short-lived. So, how am I supposed to suck wisdom from people if I don’t get to interact with them. I need some other ways!!
- I’ve been catching different waves of virus for the past months. I had German measles, colds, cough, colds, cough, fever, and then fever again. See, I am malfunctioning and that’s not a good time to write something here.
- I also spent 3 weeks wallowing in self-pity because I got rejected in a job that I thought was for me. I put all my hopes and efforts in that one, prayed to God to give me that one every night. So when I got officially rejected, I had to take a break from everything. I went home because I needed a change of scenery, I needed my parents to tell me “It’s okay”. I hated it because I wasted a lot of time comforting myself for something that I didn’t even try so hard. Actually, this search is making me feel like I am not enough for anything.
I’ll continue to struggle for this because there’s no other way. I can not just let myself rot in bed and grow roots in it. And no matter how wasted I am, I shouldn’t let my potentials go to waste just because I am too weak to accept rejections.Tags: #life
What I like here is that I dont have to make sense. And I am jumping from thoughts to thoughts and its ok. This sentence might not be related to the previous one and it’s ok. Nobody will read this and its ok. Sometimes it’s a good thing to think that nobody cares so you can do whatever BECAUSE NOBODY CARES. This is so raw annnnnd I just wanna keep on telling it’s ok because it is. Because it is soothing and comforting- it doesn’t have to have a rational reason here and it’s ok. I dont have to be rational anyway. And it’s ok. It’s ok. It’s gonna be ok. More or less.
Or this is where I should tell myself: it is not ok anymore- so I can stop whatever this is and start doing something that will make it more than “it’s ok” perhaps, better or great.
In Macau, there is such a thing as free
I’ve been postponing publishing this entry for more than a month now because Macau is really really a beautiful country and to write a post about it is such a huge responsibility. My words may never be enough to describe the experience or a little ANTM episode memory may do- (Cycle 18, Episode 9) Gladly, there are photos to speak for me.
Macau is 60 to 75-minute travel through Ferry from Hong Kong. From Ferry station, you can already take free bus rides to different hotels and casinos.
Hong Kong–Zhuhai–Macau Bridge.
Setting foot on a Portuguese colony (yeah, it felt so European)
There’s always China in every country. Apparently, Macau is part of PRC). But imagine if we sum up all China towns in the world plus PRC, China occupies 3/4 of the world. So, Beyonce is wrong about one thing- Girls do not run the world.
This is one of those rare nights in which I thought I am (finally) going to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. And that finally, I’ll wake up in the morning without the burning question “what should I do?”.
So I closed my eyes, cemented my body into a peaceful posture thinking that If I’m going to put an inordinate amount of visceral focus I’ll be able to connect to my inner self or as they may say, listen to my inner voice, I can get some answers. Not even necessarily The Answer. But I didn’t, not yet or somehow this is where God said Wait. In which I thought of Will Graham befittingly saying:
So for now, let’s find comfort in W.C Fields reassuring us that the first is not always a success by saying “If at first you don’t succeed…” Or Will Grayson saying that there’s always an absolute chance of error in trial and error. That, it’s OK!!! it will be.
Or perhaps I always knew what I want given a controlled environment.
What I hate about interviews for potential employment is that we have to talk about ourselves so much that it can be so draining (unless you’re a narcissist)- or about our false self rather, a persona created by the ideal notion of an employee by our employer. We present our motivated, positive, blablahdibladiblah selves as our masks as if we never felt even a tiny bit of insecurity in life.
So what are your strengths?
Of course, we’ve already rehearsed the answer so many times that we’re afraid we can never become it. We’ve even googled the best way to respond to this question- a reply that the interviewer has probably predicted us to say when he/she pops the question. See, it’s a talk sh*t.
And they’ll ask you about our future plans, say in 5 years.
What if we don’t want to talk about our plans (our separate plans- my plans, your plans)? Especially to a stranger. Or what if we don’t have plans? We can still perform a job even without knowing where we will end up in five years, I assure you.
All I’m trying to to say is, I don’t want to try to say anything that I’m not in interviews. Why can’t we be our raw selves at work or in order to have a work? No cosmetics (literally and figuratively), no dress code- just our abilities and pure potentials.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you."
“…we owe it to the country we’re visiting not to treat it like an amusement park, sanitized for our comfort.” (Rowan, Wanderlove)
But Rowan, Hong Kong is a literal big Amusement Park, well, according to our itinerary- from Ocean Park to Disneyland plus the comfort (taste-wise) of Mcdonalds.
Maybe, if I’ll visit HK again, it will be the real HK and not a Disnified vacation. After all, stay in Disneyland is temporary and ends with fireworks and happy endings.
Just like the view in Peak Tram, we saw HK in macro.
Are We That Far From HK?
Searches in Google indicated that we are 603 nautical miles apart, no time difference. But when it comes to public transportation, it seems like we are 54.6 million km (distance from Earth to Mars) behind. So, Philippines, when can we have an MTR-like MRT-LRT?
But anyway, interacting with Chinese made me proud of our English skills!! (Go Pinoys!!)
In HK where we made Happy-Family-Portraits